Tuesday, 17 June 2008


So, Just got back from the story of Chun Yi, the warrior monk who's as hard as nails but falls off the wagon when his mum dies. He gets back on it soon enough, wins the battle against the bad guys and then becomes the abbot after his mentor hands over the ceremonial staff and lights his own funeral pyre. Hard, Weird or Stupid?

All exciting stuff, and so you're up to date on the plot and that's without even seeing them.

They're hard as nails.

All of them.

I was in the cheap seats (five rows from the front!) so had a great view.

Two sharp spears in the neck? No problem, I'll even bend the wooden poles I'm that hard.

Oh, you've found another one? Tell you what, stick those two in my thighs and one in my neck and lift me up off the ground. Look I'm flying and not bleeding.

What's that? Forward cartwheels using your hands? Why bother when you can do it no handed and use your head instead (this really had to be seen to be believed).

Their martial arts were fantastic too - synchronised everywhere and their hand and foot speed was simply astonishingly, blisteringly fast. They're all massively flexible beyond belief, not an ounce of fat on any of them, just pure muscle (bit like me really, but with a bit less hair), baggy trousers and some kung-fu slippers.

Then the guy pops out with a long thin chain with a small flag on the end. It's flinging round so fast, it's just a blur, but he's got it so it's making a noise as it rips through the air. His mate pops up with two and does the same thing. Then they get one spinning like a helicopter above their head, the other one lower down and basically do what I can only describe as skipping whilst seated on their bottom - one chain above, the other below and every time it passes under them, they simply 'pop' and lift off the ground unaided by their legs or arms and land back in time to pop again on the next high speed revolution. I think I'd manage one revolution before whacking myself in the twins and performing a self-castration.

I haven't even got to the breaking stuff! Wooden poles breaking across the kidneys, arm, leg, chest or head? Yes please!

How about some iron bars? They look like a heavy duty steel 'handheld file' that you'd buy at B&Q. All his mates do one over their head, he grabs three. 'TWANG!, Shatter, Crash' as they hit the floor after doing them all at once.

And to top it all off, I'm that hard I'll lay on three steel swords, slap a double sided bed of nails on top of me, get matey boy to lay on that, put a great big concrete slab on him, and sonny-Jim, yeah, that's right, you smash it with that sledge hammer over there. Lovely.

Needless to say I enjoyed it! I could still Krav Maga all their arses anyway. ;)

I hope none of them read this blog in the next 48 hours...

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